i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
