I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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