turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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