i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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