Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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