I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
