can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize