Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
