My Higher Power is John Stamos
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
