You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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