i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
