One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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