My underwear smells like fireworks.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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