Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
