trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
