My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
