When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize