He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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