for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
