I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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