He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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