finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
