Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
