I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize