So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
