Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize