he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
