spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
