I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
