nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
