The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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