dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Text me some of your sweat
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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