GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
