I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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