I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
