census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
