I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
