So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
