did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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