my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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