Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We have started to decorate penises.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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