I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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