My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
