I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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