I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize