So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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