Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
