if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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