Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
