wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
