I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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