i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
