I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I did not marry a roomba.
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