well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
