I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
