Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
