It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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