i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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