I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize