dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
