Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
