Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
