I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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