what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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